Enjoy Every Minute?! I Think Not.

The Answer: Enjoy every minute! 

The question: What is crap advice parents receive? 

Parents get a lot of unhelpful and unsolicited (but usually well-meaning) advice, but can we puh-lease stop with variations of this: "Enjoy every minute! It goes so fast!” 

Oh really Gertrude, because some of us are on night 867 of little to no sleep and it’s not feeling super quick. 

Also, while I have your attention - lose the “you’ll miss the days when your biggest problem was a kid who didn’t sleep.” 

Is it true? Probably. Does it help in the moment? Nope. In fact, during a time that is already frustrating - parents don’t need the added guilt of someone telling us to enjoy every minute. Now, not only am I sad, tired and frustrated about the not enjoyable phase I’m experiencing - but I feel like a shit mom because I’m not shouting the joys of motherhood from the rooftop and pooping skittles and gum drops 24/7. 

Some things aren’t enjoyable. Like my almost 3-year-old screaming like she’s being injured every nap and bedtime. And waking up between 4:30-5:30 most mornings, since we took away her binkies, screaming to go downstairs, usually waking up her twin sister in the process. And let’s not forget most meals when she screams and refuses to eat the food in front of her (that she originally requested) and instead insists she’s not hungry and begs for a “snack”. 😳 

Am I saying she’s never enjoyable? Nope, the contrary actually. She is mostly enjoyable. But mealtime and bedtime are constant struggles. When you have to fight with your kid every meal to eat and when it takes an extraordinarily long time to get her to bed and then you still have to put another kid to bed and then clean up the house and prep for tomorrow...it's a lot. (I know a bunch of you are chomping at the bit to say "they'll eat when they are hungry" and "she won't starve" I KNOW. I tell myself this every day, several times a day. It's still frustrating. And remember the aforementioned sleep issues - I don’t need to hear “I’m hungry” as another excuse at bedtime or the butt crack of dawn.)

I’m tired of getting screamed at. 

I’m worried every decision I make is causing/encouraging this tiny life-sucking monster. 

At the end of the day I’m disappointed for losing my patience and yelling.

I am blaming myself for her outburts. 

I am sad that there is so much frustration bottled up in such a little body and there seems to be nothing I can do about it.

I am questioning everything.

I am dreading doing it again tomorrow.

I am mentally exhausted.

IT IS NOT ENJOYABLE.

So, I really don’t need some mom decades removed from the toddler stage making me feel guilty for not enjoying every moment. I deal with enough self-inflicted mom guilt, thank you very much. 

And let's be real, no one should be expected to enjoy every moment. I don’t enjoy every moment of my job, or my marriage (love you, Chris!) or any other relationship or major life event. It doesn’t make me a bad mom, wife, employee or friend, it makes me human. A very tired human. 

So let’s stop mom-shaming those going through a hard time, and realize that our “helpful” comments aren’t always so helpful. 

Might I recommend instead something like “wow that really sucks, I hope it passes quickly...and here is some wine.” 

p.s. Winter White is my preferred wine, if you're wondering.

Please Stop Asking Twin Moms This Question...and a few more thoughts

Twin moms get a lot of questions, but I beg you to stop asking one. Nope, not “are they identical” – that one doesn’t bother me. (I probably asked that of twin moms before I was one.) And, if I’m being honest, the question I’m writing about doesn’t bother me personally, either. If you know me and my twin journey, you know I’m an open book; about the struggle to get pregnant, the miscarriage and ultimately having twins.

Ready for the question? “Do twins run in your family?” I mean, I could just respond with “Nope, sometimes they walk,” or another equally lame response. So why does it bother me so much? Because it seems innocent and harmless but it’s not. For more than 40% of people, the answer to that question is no, they don’t run in the family or maybe they do (like in my case) but that is likely not the reason I have twins. What you are essentially asking is, “Do you have fertility issues?” I don’t think that is the asker’s intention, but it’s the reality. Personally, I’ve answered the question differently, depending on the day. Sometimes I just say “yes”, which is technically true but it’s through my father’s side so I don’t think it technically counts; other times I’ll answer more truthfully, “Yes, but we had fertility treatments which is likely why we ended up with twins.” So that's it. That's the question I'm begging you to stop asking.

Actually, while I have your attention...asking a parent of multiples if it was “natural” is really not okay. And what does that even mean? I mean, I know what you think it means – but “natural” as opposed to “artificial” or “fake” …. just no.  I guess someone could argue some fertility treatments can be referred to as "artificial insemination.” I get that – but again – why do you feel the need to know?! If they did get pregnant as you would say “naturally” do you also want to know what day, what position and if it was good? SERIOUSLY. That’s the level of personal information you may be unintentionally asking for when you ask these kinds of questions. No matter what “method” someone uses to get pregnant – it takes real sperm and real eggs – natural ingredients required for all pregnancies – and a real baby (or two or three) results. And they all lived happily ever with the exception of dodging inappropriate and personal questions. Okay, so apparently two questions I'm begging you to stop asking.

I’ll end with something I’ve written about before and will now and forever be my PSA to the world - think before you ask other seemingly innocent questions, like: “Are you planning to have kids?” … “Isn’t it about time for another one?” … “Do you plan on having any more?” That person with no kids, might not be able to get pregnant. The person with one or two might have tried for years for more and suffered losses along the way. You never know someone’s situation and even when asked with the best of intentions, these questions can make already painful situations worse.

Now, people are going to read this and feel the need to say, “I’m so sorry if I said that to you.” That’s not what this is about…because it’s me – I’m an open book. And before having fertility issues and twins I’m sure I asked some of these questions. I’m simply hoping to make people think before they ask. Understand the full implications of what you might be asking someone and then...probably don’t. And for the love of all that's good and holy don't follow up with..."wow, your hands are full." Okay, I'm really done now. 

Surviving The First Year with Twins: Must Have Items

On May 11, 2019 it was official. We had survived the first year as parents of twins. Sometimes it feels like it was actually 10 years and in the same breath it feels like 10 minutes. Recently, I was asked about how we got sleep in the first few months after they were born, and I struggled to recall what the schedule was like. But then again it seems like yesterday that we were tracking what time they ate, how many ounces and how often they pooped and peed (parenting is glamorous, eh?). When I look back at the first year there are several things that I wouldn’t have survived without, so I wanted to take some time to give the items/brands some love and maybe help another twin mama out! Here we go. In no particular order.

The Joovy Twin Roo Stroller was a lifesaver. It was light and easy to fold and throw in the back of the car. The car seats clicked in easily, and you can buy adapters to fit different car seats. It was easy to maneuver when I was on my own for doctor appointments or wherever we went that required opening doors and getting through narrow doorways because it goes the long way instead of across (there has to be a more eloquent way of saying that, but you get the point). It also has two bottle/cup holders and a huge storage space under the car seats. You do only use this while they are in the infant car seats, so we stopped around 6-7 months, but it was still worth it.

We then started using the Kolcraft Cloud Side-by-Side Double Umbrella Stroller. It didn’t break the bank; you can find it for under $100 – I got mine for around $80 and we use it all the time for doctor appointments, trips to the mall and other quick stops. It’s compact when folded and fits in the car easily.  

Twin Z Nursing Pillow – Ask me how many times I used this bad boy for nursing. Exactly ZERO. But for sitting, playing and yes even napping (GASP – the tag says not to let them nap on it.) Before you start sending me hate mail – it was before they were rolling, and they were never left unattended.
Anyhoo – we loved this thing. It was especially helpful when you just needed a cozy place to set a baby while changing a diaper or feeding the other one. Or when you just needed to give your arms a rest but wanted them propped up a little to talk to them or play. It is a must have, breast feeding or not.

Graco Pack ‘n Play Playard with Twin Bassinets – I wasn’t sure about this one because a lot of twin parents told me they didn’t use a double Pack n’ Play, but our oldest daughter spent a lot of time napping in hers, so I registered for it and I’m so glad I did. The twins slept in this for the firs­­t three months and then napped in it for much longer. Today it has become a toy repository, which is a bit ridiculous – but it allows me to see my living room floor at night, so it works. If we did clean it out, it’s big enough that they could both still sit in there and have room to play.

Table for Two – Probably one of the most expensive items on our registry but worth every penny.  And even when they started feeding themselves, we would still strap them in when it was time for bottles. It also allowed our four-year-old to help feed them. It’s super easy to wash with the cloth cover coming off easily, as well as the material that wraps around the entire seat. We would have been lost without this! We didn’t use it at first and I wondered if it was going to be a waste of money. No way. We just needed to wait until they were a little bigger. I would say around five months or so we started using this regularly to feed the girls. 

Carriers
I cannot say enough good things about the Weego twin carrier. Although my twins were not preemies at all (they weighed 6 lbs. 2 oz and 7 lbs.), you can start using the Weego starting at 4 lbs. The Weego allowed me to take both babies outside so I could watch their big sister play or just have them both close to me but still have my hands free to get stuff done. I took lots of walks with them up north and the best part was, they almost always fell asleep once they were in the Weego. The only downside (if there is one) is you can only wear them until they are a combined 33 lbs. For us that was about five months.

I now have a Twingo air model. I first attempted using this carrier when the twins were about six months, but we just weren’t ready. That’s a collective we. I think the babies weren’t quite strong enough and I wasn’t confident enough. There were two other adults trying to help me get them in and it wasn’t working. Fast forward to when they were around 9 months and easy peasy. Well, easy peasy after several reviews of YouTube videos and after one terrifying attempt to put Annabelle on the back (in the Target parking lot), I learned Amelia is much better suited for that position. But otherwise, easy peasy. I love it. With each twin weighing about 19 lbs. I can’t wear them for long periods of time, but its great for when they are tired, and I need to get them to sleep or I just need them contained for a few minutes and they are sick of their stroller. PSA: Don’t wear this out in public if you’re in a hurry and don’t have time for questions or conversations! During my first public outing with it I had two twin moms stop me to ask where this carrier was 9-12 years ago (when their twins were little). They were in awe that such a thing existed. Well done, Twingo! The other great thing about this carrier (which I have not done yet) is it can come apart and be used as two individual carriers! Definitely worth the money!

Jump A Roos
This isn’t necessarily a twin thing – but something that helped me a ton the first year was having two door jumpers. There are a lot of things I don’t think you necessarily need two of. We only had one exersaucer (but my mom had two and they loved being in them at the same time), you could probably get away with having one swing, etc., but at night when my husband was working or traveling, and everyone wanted to see mama, but mama needed to make dinner or wash bottles, this was a life saver. Of course, it only works if you have the proper door frames to hold them. Thankfully we did. The girls loved jumping in these while I was in the kitchen and added bonus if you have a big kid who likes to play with them while they are in them. That really kept them entertained.

Formula Pitcher
If you are a formula feeding family like we are, a Dr. Brown Formula Mixing Pitcher is a must have. Or if you are like us – you buy two - one for your Dairy Queen baby and one for your Soy Bean baby. These made life so much easier for us.

Summer Must Haves
Finally – a few must haves if you’ll be taking your little ones out in the sun and/or water in the first few months after they are born.

I loved RuffleButts Baby Long Sleeve One Piece Swimsuit and Full Throttle life jackets. We used them both primarily for our week-long summer vacation, but the life jackets are good up to 30 lbs so the twins wore them again this summer. We also bought RuffleButts suits again this summer (pictured) and absolutely loved them!

Also this summer we bought the Summer Infant Pop N’ Play Ultimate Portable Playard. It was ridiculously easy to put up and take down and it was great for the beach. And since we’re just back from vacation, another thing that was tremendously helpful –hiccapop Omniboost Travel Booster Seats – again these folded up super easy and came in bags for easy transportation. Not necessarily a “twin” thing, but I strongly recommend instead of hauling a highchair or booster seat when traveling.

Well, that’s it. That’s all I got. Actually, I could keep going, but I’ll stop there. When I first found out I was pregnant with twins I was feeling overwhelmed and had no idea what I needed! Hopefully some soon-to-be twin mamas will find this helpful.

Things Aren't Always What They Seem: Hemiplegic Migraines

Yesterday, while I was reviewing a document at work things got weird. I couldn’t comprehend the words, and nothing was making sense. And then I could only see certain letters. Even though I have had too many hemiplegic migraines to count, it had been a while and I panicked – sure I was having a stroke. I quickly emailed my boss and left – I didn’t trust myself to find her and have a conversation because I knew the words wouldn’t form like they should. I just wanted to be alone – to avoid questions, concern or embarrassment.

On the way home – probably driving a little faster than I should – I realized if I got pulled over I would be in a bad situation. I would not be able to explain to the police officer what was happening and it would definitely be assumed I was drunk or on drugs. By this point the confusion was worse and I started to experience what I refer to as “kaleidoscope vision” where my sight is interrupted by circulating bright lights. I couldn’t remember common words and names I knew well seemed foreign to me. I know it is all part of the migraine and that it would end at some point but when you’re in the middle of it it’s horrifying and heartbreaking and hard to remember your brain will return to normal.

I think what threw me the most was this one went out of order. Usually they are by the book – first the kaleidoscope vision, then the numbness, tingling and heaviness from my face down my left arm and through my fingers. Then, in the worst case ones – like yesterday – the confusion and slurred speech starts. Usually all the symptoms – from the vision to the confusion – are done within an hour. Then I am sometimes left with a headache (other times I just have the symptoms but no actual head pain) and the post-migraine fog which often lasts 24 hours or more. But yesterday it took almost two hours to get through the symptoms – which tells me the recovery is going to much longer than 24 hours. Sometimes my brain isn’t back up to speed for a couple days. It is a terrible, hopeless feeling.

These migraines first started about 12 years ago – but I would only have them once a year. I’ve seen ebbs and flows since then including a huge increase during my pregnancy with Francesca and then after the birth of Amelia and Annabelle. Thankfully we have found a medication that seems to break the cycle when they are unrelenting. I discontinued the medication at the end of July and have been doing great…until yesterday. And yesterday was the reason I hate them more than anything now. In the days BK (before kids) I would go home and sleep for hours – usually most of the day and then overnight. These days, that isn’t an option. And when it happened yesterday I had the additional challenge of Chris covering a basketball game. Thankfully, my village came through – per usual. Our nanny, Jessica, stayed late with the twins and Grandpa and Grandma took Francesca overnight and dropped her off at school this morning.

But the guilt that comes with not being able to take care of my kids is awful. I don’t care how bad I feel, I don’t want to be away from them in my room sleeping it off, I don’t want someone else to have to take care of them. I am their mom - I should be able to handle it. And most things I can, but not hemiplegic migraines. They are my kryptonite. And if I’m being painfully honest - I fear that they are the one thing that could break me. Everything else I can figure out and overcome, but not these. With that said, that’s me in the middle of the migraine war - once I’m a couple days on the mend,  I’ll be back to kicking ass and believing I can overcome everything.

I’m not sure the point of sharing this, other than – things are not always what they seem. Anyone who would have seen me at work yesterday, or a police officer pulling me over on the way home, would have for sure thought I was drunk, high or having a stroke. Thankfully it was “just” a migraine (she says with a laugh). I’m feeling better today but it will likely be a few days before I feel 100%, until then I will be tired (again, mother of 8-month-old twins, laughs), I will take longer to find the right words and I’ll be near tears often, because these stupid migraines leave me terrified and on edge about when the next one will come. I’m also sharing because I’m working hard on reaching out when I need help and not defaulting to my mom (this is where she’ll object, and say its fine – but it’s not). So – all of you who have continuously offered to help be warned – I might be coming for you. XO

Update: before I could even publish this or share it, I had another migraine. Thankfully, Chris is in town and can take on the parenting duties tonight. I’m at home, laying down and waiting for a return call from my migraine doctor.

Amelia and Annabelle:The Story of Our Rainbow Babies

For those who might not be familiar, a "rainbow baby" is a term used for a baby who is born following a stillbirth, miscarriage or death in infancy. Just as rainbows appear during or after a storm, reminding us of the covenant God made with Noah, rainbow babies provide hope of what is to come after experiencing a loss.

The rainbow and the date
As most of you know I experienced a miscarriage June 1, 2017 (see previous blog) - what you might not know is the prevalence of rainbows during my pregnancy with the twins, and the peace a song provided me during times of fear and doubt, reminding me of God's promise and the reassurance that my family wasn't done yet.

We resumed fertility treatments in September. I went to Grand Rapids the night before and as I was driving there in a storm, I saw a rainbow. I immediately thought "maybe this is a sign of things to come, maybe this will be the month for our rainbow baby". Then while we were in Grand Rapids our neighbor sent this picture to Chris, of a rainbow over our house...with the rainbow ending in what was Francesca's room, and now the nursery.

My due date was also of significance. When I first found out I was pregnant and went online to calculate the due date - it came up with June 1, 2018. Sound familiar? Yup, June 1, 2017 was the day I miscarried. They were going to be our rainbow babies, in deed.


The song 
After I found out  I was going to miscarry, but before I did -  I had a discussion with a co-worker about Christian music - he introduced me to the song "Oh My Soul" by Casting Crowns. During the miscarriage and then during my pregnancy with the twins I heard this song often. In one instance, I caught the end of it as I was getting in my car - the only part I heard were the words "You're not alone" - I burst into tears but felt such a sense of reassurance that the situation was in God's hands. I most often heard it during my pregnancy with the twins when the "what if" fears began creeping in. What if I miscarried, what if one was stillborn, what if something was wrong...It became my reminder of God's promise - that these were our rainbow babies, our promise of what was to come. Sometimes I wouldn't even notice I was overcome with all the fears until the song came on - it would quickly change my thinking and fill me with hope. My favorite line is "There's a place where fear has to face the God you know." Such a powerful reminder that no matter what we go through and how scared we are - God is bigger. He is bigger than every bad thing we experience and every fear we have. We just need to lay it down and surrender it to Him.

The day of my planned induction, we heard the song on the way to the hospital. So even though I was disappointed when we found out Annabelle was breech and I would have to come back the following day for a c-section, I had the song in the back of my head - the reminder that God was in control and this must be part of the plan.

And last weekend it really hit me. As I was addressing envelopes for our birth announcements I realized it had been 1 year ago that I found out my numbers had dropped and I would miscarry. A few days later, I did. And here I was, one year later - celebrating the birth of Amelia and Annabelle. I of course never wanted to experience a miscarriage and do wonder about the baby who could have been...and yet, I cannot be too sad - because I am so in love with my girls and know that God's plan is so much bigger and better than anything I could have ever imagined.

Tomorrow it will be 1 year since the miscarriage - but I will be celebrating three of the best weeks of my life. I know not all infertility stories end like ours. In fact, that is another part of Oh My Soul that I love - "I won't try to promise that some day it all works out...there will be beauty where beauty was ash and stone." I am so thankful for the beauty that has filled my life and definitely replaced the ash and stone.

Infertility, Loss and Faith

Infertile Myrtle
If a year ago you would have asked me what infertility looks like, I would have said something like "someone who is unable to conceive naturally" and it would have included the assumption that this person did not have any children.

It turns out that this is not always the case and infertility can affect women (and men) with one or more children - as seems to be the case with us. We started trying for a second child in November of 2015. After almost a year of trying to conceive my OBGYN referred us to a fertility specialist. I'm going to be honest - as I anticipated the appointment I fully expected we would go and they would tell us to lose weight, stop doing this, start doing that, etc. But that wasn't the case. We left with an encyclopedia sized envelope of information, a prescription for an oral fertility medication, a lab slip for a procedure to make sure I didn't have any blockages in my fallopian tubes, a prescription for an injection shot should the procedure results come back okay and we start trying and instructions on when to call to schedule a midcycle ultrasound to check the size of my follicles.

My head was spinning. As I tried to process the information I looked at Chris in tears and said "Is this too much too fast?" And he said what I was thinking "We aren't getting any younger." And that was the nagging thought during the months we had been trying to conceive - I was almost 36...practically geriatric in fertility years. "Advanced maternal age" I believe they call it. Jerks. 

Anyway...they called to schedule my test and suggested December 6 - seemed like an appropriate way to celebrate my birthday. The test came back fine - no blockage. The next test would be the midcycle ultrasound to check the size of my follicles which indicates if my eggs are maturing and how many eggs might release. Oh - but let's talk about the ultrasound. So, the only ultrasound I had every had was when they were looking at my baby. A little gel on the tummy, some pressure on the outside of the belly and VOILA - baby on the screen. As soon as I walked into the room and saw this ultrasound contraption I knew it was going to be quite different. That's all I will say about that. Pic included. You're welcome (also I'm sorry). 

I wasn't quite ready to do IUI (Intrauterine Insemination) so we opted for the trigger shot (ensures

ovulation in 24-36 hours) and timed intercourse. When I didn't get pregnant in December or January we decided to do IUI - which would require us going to Grand Rapids for the actual procedure. We did IUI in February, March and May. Each time required a midcycle ultrasound in the Mason office and if the follicles weren't mature a return trip for another midcycle ultrasound - then a trigger injection and then a trip to Grand Rapids for IUI. And each time the appointments were first thing in the morning so my parents would keep Francesca and we would go down the night before.

If we were unsuccessful after three IUI attempts the next step would be another consult with the specialist. The appointment was scheduled for a few days before I could take a pregnancy test for the third IUI attempt but I wanted to know what our options were, in case it wasn't successful. I went solo to this appointment and it was just as, if not more, overwhelming than the first. I had already decided against in vitro fertilization. I know it can be wildly successful and if I was younger and didn't have any children, I would definitely consider it but since that isn't the case, it is not an option I want to pursue. So, she talked about the next step in fertility medications which would include weeks of injections, some restrictions, possible side effects and the chance of multiples was greatly increased. I mean if it was something we decided to do, we would need to get the signed paper notarized. That says something.

I went home and shared the information to Chris and he asked, "Do you think it's worth it?" And my answer was a quick "No. We have Francesca to think about." I went to bed that night with a heavy heart - wondering what would be next. Continue with IUI? Stop fertility treatments completely? I wasn't sure - but I decided that IUI was as far as I was willing to go.

The Miscarriage
The next morning was the day I could take a pregnancy test. And as an afterthought and really just to confirm I wasn't - I tested. I almost left for work without checking it - as I was headed out the door I thought "oh, I need to throw that test away" and went to the bathroom to retrieve it. It was positive. Over a year and a half of trying and three rounds of IUI and it was positive. I was pregnant. I was excited but more than anything I was shocked. 

The next week was a complete roller coaster. I had a blood test the day of the positive test to confirm the pregnancy. I had to get my levels rechecked two days later and they had decreased - which could mean either a miscarriage or that there were two babies but only one was thriving. I went back on Saturday to do a recheck and they didn't have my lab slip in the system. I was frustrated and stressed - since it was Memorial weekend. I went in on Sunday and my numbers increased. I only knew this because I received the lab results in my email -  the office wasn't open and I wouldn't have any answers until Tuesday. In the middle of the no-lab-slip-in-the-system-holiday-weekend mess I had a very insensitive on call nurse tell me "You can wait until Tuesday to get your labs - we're just making sure your numbers go down like they are supposed to." Uh....so I'm supposed to have a miscarriage? Thanks, lady. I was so upset - she had clearly not looked at my chart to see where I was in the process before calling and making such a flippant comment. Anyway - Tuesday morning I talked to a nurse and she had no answers and said we needed to keep following the numbers - back to the lab I went. A few hours later the results were in and they had dropped significantly - I would definitely miscarry, and on June 1, I did. 

The Journey Continues

While I was cautiously optimistic when I got pregnant, I recognized the risk of miscarriage. I even told one my friends something like "No matter what happens, I feel like this was God's way of telling me that we don't need to do any of the other crazy fertility treatments - IUI can work for us." But I struggle. I question God. I want to know now, what His plan is - and I know that's not how it works. I need to continue to pray and trust in His plan, in His timing, in His perfect will.

On a particularly hard day when I had just experienced a migraine (likely from the fertility meds) and I was questioning everything -  I broke down and cried. I just needed some direction from God. What was His will for our family? Was it to only have one child? If so I just needed to know and begged him to take away my desire for another child. I remember it well - I was driving and crying and praying out loud - literally crying out to God and I had a peace come over me and a reassurance that said "your family is not done yet". And despite everything - that's where I remain today. Until I feel like God is leading me differently, we will likely resume IUI in August or September.

Although, I have admittedly questioned that lately. The last month and a half has been oddly peaceful. I haven't had to worry about taking a medicine that makes me cry for no reason and very irritable, I haven't had to give myself an injection, I haven't had to worry about when we would need to go to Grand Rapids and taking time off work or having my parents watch FJ. I've just been able to live life and spend time with my family and focus on my kiddo. Which then makes me question if I should learn to be content with my family of three - especially since we are FINALLY out of diapers, sleeping through the night, etc.

But then I do the "5 year test" - in 5 years what would I regret more...and ultimately I know I'm not ready to give up yet. Having a sibling for Francesca is something I want very badly - and at this point I think its worth the extra stress, medicine, injections, trips to Grand Rapids and the sleepless nights, diapers and spit up that might result.

Why I'm Sharing
If you've made it this far you might be wondering why I'm sharing this. And I have several reasons. The biggest is because I need to do a post on my weight loss journey - and I want to be honest about when/why I got off track, and it was when I got pregnant and then had the miscarriage. I figured if I just mentioned it in the weight loss blog some of my family and friends who didn't know might have questions and this was a way for me to share my story.

I also think its a good reminder of "you never know what someone else is going through" and caution making comments based on assumptions. I was in the bathroom at work after I found out I would miscarry and actually had someone say to me (about the pregnant woman in the bathroom) "Wow, I'm so glad that's not me and I'm done with that phase of my life - aren't you Jodie?" I just smiled and said something about really enjoying being pregnant. Don't make assumptions. Not of people with five kids, one kid or zero kids. The person with one or two kids, might want more and be struggling to conceive. That person with zero kids - might have experienced a miscarriage or be struggling with infertility.

And finally, I'm sharing it because I love to write. It's cathartic for me. I considered writing it and not publishing it, but figured maybe my experience might help someone. Infertility is the single most lonely thing I have ever experienced. It's not something that people talk about - and so you don't know who to talk to or what to say. Regardless of how supportive everyone around you is (and I have a great support group of family and friends) they don't fully understand. And sometimes they can't win - they don't know what to ask or when - so then maybe they don't but you want them to. Or they do say something that you don't find particularly helpful, but they are trying. It's just really hard and something I wouldn't wish on anyone.

I don't really intend to keep blogging about this particular subject but we'll see how things go. If you've actually read this whole blog you deserve a bottle of wine and a cookie.

xoxo 

Walking Away from Obesity: Week 14

Fourteen weeks? It feels like I just posted a 4 week update. But here we are, 14 weeks into my weight loss journey and I am down 23.4 pounds. While I'm definitely proud of the progress, I find myself beating myself up about how much I could have lost by now "if I"....

.....if I was working out, I would have lost a lot more

.....if I hadn't splurged last Friday (and the Friday before and the Friday before that and the entire weekend before that - you get the picture) I would weigh even less

.....if I hadn't had that dessert, I would have lost more at my last weigh in

And on and on it goes. But then I stop myself and remember that negative self talk isn't helping. And I try to think of the more positive take on the "if I" statements.

....if I hadn't started this journey at all I would weigh the same, and probably more

....if I had deprived myself of that dessert (which did not cause a weight gain) I would have been depriving myself and would have ended up splurging on something worse.
....if I keep making healthy choices a majority of the time, Francesca will learn to make the same choices.
....if I hadn't started this journey (and shared it on my blog) I would not have inspired multiple people to join Weight Watchers and pursue a healthier lifestyle. 

It's all a matter of perspective. And instead of dwelling on what I could have done, I will celebrate what I have done. Not only have I lost more than 20 pounds, I have lost weight EVERY WEEK since I started, sometimes as little as .2 pounds but I have not gained or stayed the same. That is something to celebrate. 

I've also realized something. Okay, it is something I've probably always known but am realizing the importance of admitting it and recognizing the challenge it brings. I LOVE FOOD. And I'm not talking leafy greens and fruity types of food (although I do enjoy Twizzlers and they are fruity). It's not a healthy relationship and I still find myself using food as a reward. Today, after I lost 1.4 lbs - I decided it would be okay to get Chik Fil A for lunch. And of course it is okay, as long as I track it. But I'm starting to understand this will always be a battle. Not just until I lose 20 more pounds or until I get to my goal weight. This will be something I struggle with FOREVER. I will always want the unhealthy option. And I will have to continually remind myself of why I need to pick the healthier option, why I shouldn't go through the drive-thru, why I don't need the extra sugar, etc. I expect as I continue on this journey it might get a little easier but it will never NOT be a struggle for me and I need to be very honest about that. 

I'll end with a celebration pic - I didn't take any "before" photos which I'm regretting a little now, but I did snap a photo of this moment a couple weeks ago - when I fit into a sweater that had been hanging in my closet for 5+ years...I think I may have worn it once after I bought it but decided it wasn't very flattering and hadn't worn it since. I apparently liked it enough that it made at least one, if not two moves with me...and IT FITS. Francesca was very concerned about the absence of my head in this picture. :)

My goal by my next post (which hopefully won't be 10 weeks from now) is to be exercising on a regular basis. At the very least I need to start working out or walking on my lunch breaks. And I will continue to challenge myself to celebrate all the things I've achieved, not dwell on the "could have/should have" thoughts.