If a year ago you would have asked me what infertility looks like, I would have said something like "someone who is unable to conceive naturally" and it would have included the assumption that this person did not have any children.
It turns out that this is not always the case and infertility can affect women (and men) with one or more children - as seems to be the case with us. We started trying for a second child in November of 2015. After almost a year of trying to conceive my OBGYN referred us to a fertility specialist. I'm going to be honest - as I anticipated the appointment I fully expected we would go and they would tell us to lose weight, stop doing this, start doing that, etc. But that wasn't the case. We left with an encyclopedia sized envelope of information, a prescription for an oral fertility medication, a lab slip for a procedure to make sure I didn't have any blockages in my fallopian tubes, a prescription for an injection shot should the procedure results come back okay and we start trying and instructions on when to call to schedule a midcycle ultrasound to check the size of my follicles.
My head was spinning. As I tried to process the information I looked at Chris in tears and said "Is this too much too fast?" And he said what I was thinking "We aren't getting any younger." And that was the nagging thought during the months we had been trying to conceive - I was almost 36...practically geriatric in fertility years. "Advanced maternal age" I believe they call it. Jerks.
Anyway...they called to schedule my test and suggested December 6 - seemed like an appropriate way to celebrate my birthday. The test came back fine - no blockage. The next test would be the midcycle ultrasound to check the size of my follicles which indicates if my eggs are maturing and how many eggs might release. Oh - but let's talk about the ultrasound. So, the only ultrasound I had every had was when they were looking at my baby. A little gel on the tummy, some pressure on the outside of the belly and VOILA - baby on the screen. As soon as I walked into the room and saw this ultrasound contraption I knew it was going to be quite different. That's all I will say about that. Pic included. You're welcome (also I'm sorry).
I wasn't quite ready to do IUI (Intrauterine Insemination) so we opted for the trigger shot (ensures
ovulation in 24-36 hours) and timed intercourse. When I didn't get pregnant in December or January we decided to do IUI - which would require us going to Grand Rapids for the actual procedure. We did IUI in February, March and May. Each time required a midcycle ultrasound in the Mason office and if the follicles weren't mature a return trip for another midcycle ultrasound - then a trigger injection and then a trip to Grand Rapids for IUI. And each time the appointments were first thing in the morning so my parents would keep Francesca and we would go down the night before.
If we were unsuccessful after three IUI attempts the next step would be another consult with the specialist. The appointment was scheduled for a few days before I could take a pregnancy test for the third IUI attempt but I wanted to know what our options were, in case it wasn't successful. I went solo to this appointment and it was just as, if not more, overwhelming than the first. I had already decided against in vitro fertilization. I know it can be wildly successful and if I was younger and didn't have any children, I would definitely consider it but since that isn't the case, it is not an option I want to pursue. So, she talked about the next step in fertility medications which would include weeks of injections, some restrictions, possible side effects and the chance of multiples was greatly increased. I mean if it was something we decided to do, we would need to get the signed paper notarized. That says something.
I went home and shared the information to Chris and he asked, "Do you think it's worth it?" And my answer was a quick "No. We have Francesca to think about." I went to bed that night with a heavy heart - wondering what would be next. Continue with IUI? Stop fertility treatments completely? I wasn't sure - but I decided that IUI was as far as I was willing to go.
The Miscarriage
The next morning was the day I could take a pregnancy test. And as an afterthought and really just to confirm I wasn't - I tested. I almost left for work without checking it - as I was headed out the door I thought "oh, I need to throw that test away" and went to the bathroom to retrieve it. It was positive. Over a year and a half of trying and three rounds of IUI and it was positive. I was pregnant. I was excited but more than anything I was shocked.
The next morning was the day I could take a pregnancy test. And as an afterthought and really just to confirm I wasn't - I tested. I almost left for work without checking it - as I was headed out the door I thought "oh, I need to throw that test away" and went to the bathroom to retrieve it. It was positive. Over a year and a half of trying and three rounds of IUI and it was positive. I was pregnant. I was excited but more than anything I was shocked.
The next week was a complete roller coaster. I had a blood test the day of the positive test to confirm the pregnancy. I had to get my levels rechecked two days later and they had decreased - which could mean either a miscarriage or that there were two babies but only one was thriving. I went back on Saturday to do a recheck and they didn't have my lab slip in the system. I was frustrated and stressed - since it was Memorial weekend. I went in on Sunday and my numbers increased. I only knew this because I received the lab results in my email - the office wasn't open and I wouldn't have any answers until Tuesday. In the middle of the no-lab-slip-in-the-system-holiday-weekend mess I had a very insensitive on call nurse tell me "You can wait until Tuesday to get your labs - we're just making sure your numbers go down like they are supposed to." Uh....so I'm supposed to have a miscarriage? Thanks, lady. I was so upset - she had clearly not looked at my chart to see where I was in the process before calling and making such a flippant comment. Anyway - Tuesday morning I talked to a nurse and she had no answers and said we needed to keep following the numbers - back to the lab I went. A few hours later the results were in and they had dropped significantly - I would definitely miscarry, and on June 1, I did.
The Journey Continues
While I was cautiously optimistic when I got pregnant, I recognized the risk of miscarriage. I even told one my friends something like "No matter what happens, I feel like this was God's way of telling me that we don't need to do any of the other crazy fertility treatments - IUI can work for us." But I struggle. I question God. I want to know now, what His plan is - and I know that's not how it works. I need to continue to pray and trust in His plan, in His timing, in His perfect will.
On a particularly hard day when I had just experienced a migraine (likely from the fertility meds) and I was questioning everything - I broke down and cried. I just needed some direction from God. What was His will for our family? Was it to only have one child? If so I just needed to know and begged him to take away my desire for another child. I remember it well - I was driving and crying and praying out loud - literally crying out to God and I had a peace come over me and a reassurance that said "your family is not done yet". And despite everything - that's where I remain today. Until I feel like God is leading me differently, we will likely resume IUI in August or September.
Although, I have admittedly questioned that lately. The last month and a half has been oddly peaceful. I haven't had to worry about taking a medicine that makes me cry for no reason and very irritable, I haven't had to give myself an injection, I haven't had to worry about when we would need to go to Grand Rapids and taking time off work or having my parents watch FJ. I've just been able to live life and spend time with my family and focus on my kiddo. Which then makes me question if I should learn to be content with my family of three - especially since we are FINALLY out of diapers, sleeping through the night, etc.
But then I do the "5 year test" - in 5 years what would I regret more...and ultimately I know I'm not ready to give up yet. Having a sibling for Francesca is something I want very badly - and at this point I think its worth the extra stress, medicine, injections, trips to Grand Rapids and the sleepless nights, diapers and spit up that might result.
On a particularly hard day when I had just experienced a migraine (likely from the fertility meds) and I was questioning everything - I broke down and cried. I just needed some direction from God. What was His will for our family? Was it to only have one child? If so I just needed to know and begged him to take away my desire for another child. I remember it well - I was driving and crying and praying out loud - literally crying out to God and I had a peace come over me and a reassurance that said "your family is not done yet". And despite everything - that's where I remain today. Until I feel like God is leading me differently, we will likely resume IUI in August or September.
Although, I have admittedly questioned that lately. The last month and a half has been oddly peaceful. I haven't had to worry about taking a medicine that makes me cry for no reason and very irritable, I haven't had to give myself an injection, I haven't had to worry about when we would need to go to Grand Rapids and taking time off work or having my parents watch FJ. I've just been able to live life and spend time with my family and focus on my kiddo. Which then makes me question if I should learn to be content with my family of three - especially since we are FINALLY out of diapers, sleeping through the night, etc.
But then I do the "5 year test" - in 5 years what would I regret more...and ultimately I know I'm not ready to give up yet. Having a sibling for Francesca is something I want very badly - and at this point I think its worth the extra stress, medicine, injections, trips to Grand Rapids and the sleepless nights, diapers and spit up that might result.
Why I'm Sharing
If you've made it this far you might be wondering why I'm sharing this. And I have several reasons. The biggest is because I need to do a post on my weight loss journey - and I want to be honest about when/why I got off track, and it was when I got pregnant and then had the miscarriage. I figured if I just mentioned it in the weight loss blog some of my family and friends who didn't know might have questions and this was a way for me to share my story.
I also think its a good reminder of "you never know what someone else is going through" and caution making comments based on assumptions. I was in the bathroom at work after I found out I would miscarry and actually had someone say to me (about the pregnant woman in the bathroom) "Wow, I'm so glad that's not me and I'm done with that phase of my life - aren't you Jodie?" I just smiled and said something about really enjoying being pregnant. Don't make assumptions. Not of people with five kids, one kid or zero kids. The person with one or two kids, might want more and be struggling to conceive. That person with zero kids - might have experienced a miscarriage or be struggling with infertility.
And finally, I'm sharing it because I love to write. It's cathartic for me. I considered writing it and not publishing it, but figured maybe my experience might help someone. Infertility is the single most lonely thing I have ever experienced. It's not something that people talk about - and so you don't know who to talk to or what to say. Regardless of how supportive everyone around you is (and I have a great support group of family and friends) they don't fully understand. And sometimes they can't win - they don't know what to ask or when - so then maybe they don't but you want them to. Or they do say something that you don't find particularly helpful, but they are trying. It's just really hard and something I wouldn't wish on anyone.
I don't really intend to keep blogging about this particular subject but we'll see how things go. If you've actually read this whole blog you deserve a bottle of wine and a cookie.
xoxo
If you've made it this far you might be wondering why I'm sharing this. And I have several reasons. The biggest is because I need to do a post on my weight loss journey - and I want to be honest about when/why I got off track, and it was when I got pregnant and then had the miscarriage. I figured if I just mentioned it in the weight loss blog some of my family and friends who didn't know might have questions and this was a way for me to share my story.
I also think its a good reminder of "you never know what someone else is going through" and caution making comments based on assumptions. I was in the bathroom at work after I found out I would miscarry and actually had someone say to me (about the pregnant woman in the bathroom) "Wow, I'm so glad that's not me and I'm done with that phase of my life - aren't you Jodie?" I just smiled and said something about really enjoying being pregnant. Don't make assumptions. Not of people with five kids, one kid or zero kids. The person with one or two kids, might want more and be struggling to conceive. That person with zero kids - might have experienced a miscarriage or be struggling with infertility.
And finally, I'm sharing it because I love to write. It's cathartic for me. I considered writing it and not publishing it, but figured maybe my experience might help someone. Infertility is the single most lonely thing I have ever experienced. It's not something that people talk about - and so you don't know who to talk to or what to say. Regardless of how supportive everyone around you is (and I have a great support group of family and friends) they don't fully understand. And sometimes they can't win - they don't know what to ask or when - so then maybe they don't but you want them to. Or they do say something that you don't find particularly helpful, but they are trying. It's just really hard and something I wouldn't wish on anyone.
I don't really intend to keep blogging about this particular subject but we'll see how things go. If you've actually read this whole blog you deserve a bottle of wine and a cookie.
xoxo
I'll have a bottle of wine and a cookie. Love you.
ReplyDeleteA beer and a cookie ok? Hugs to you.
ReplyDelete