Twin moms get a lot of questions, but I beg you to stop
asking one. Nope, not “are they identical” – that one doesn’t bother me. (I probably asked that of twin moms before I was one.) And, if I’m being
honest, the question I’m writing about doesn’t bother me personally, either. If
you know me and my twin journey, you know I’m an open book; about the struggle
to get pregnant, the miscarriage and ultimately having twins.
Ready for the question? “Do twins run in your family?” I mean, I could just respond with “Nope, sometimes they walk,” or another equally lame response. So why does it bother me so much? Because it seems innocent and harmless but it’s not. For more than 40% of people, the answer to that question is no, they don’t run in the family or maybe they do (like in my case) but that is likely not the reason I have twins. What you are essentially asking is, “Do you have fertility issues?” I don’t think that is the asker’s intention, but it’s the reality. Personally, I’ve answered the question differently, depending on the day. Sometimes I just say “yes”, which is technically true but it’s through my father’s side so I don’t think it technically counts; other times I’ll answer more truthfully, “Yes, but we had fertility treatments which is likely why we ended up with twins.” So that's it. That's the question I'm begging you to stop asking.
Actually, while I have your attention...asking a parent of multiples if it was “natural” is really not okay. And what does that even mean? I mean, I know what you think it means – but “natural” as opposed to “artificial” or “fake” …. just no. I guess someone could argue some fertility treatments can be referred to as "artificial insemination.” I get that – but again – why do you feel the need to know?! If they did get pregnant as you would say “naturally” do you also want to know what day, what position and if it was good? SERIOUSLY. That’s the level of personal information you may be unintentionally asking for when you ask these kinds of questions. No matter what “method” someone uses to get pregnant – it takes real sperm and real eggs – natural ingredients required for all pregnancies – and a real baby (or two or three) results. And they all lived happily ever with the exception of dodging inappropriate and personal questions. Okay, so apparently two questions I'm begging you to stop asking.
I’ll end with something I’ve written about before and will now and forever be my PSA to the world - think before you ask other seemingly innocent questions, like: “Are you planning to have kids?” … “Isn’t it about time for another one?” … “Do you plan on having any more?” That person with no kids, might not be able to get pregnant. The person with one or two might have tried for years for more and suffered losses along the way. You never know someone’s situation and even when asked with the best of intentions, these questions can make already painful situations worse.
Now, people are going to read this and feel the need to say, “I’m so sorry if I said that to you.” That’s not what this is about…because it’s me – I’m an open book. And before having fertility issues and twins I’m sure I asked some of these questions. I’m simply hoping to make people think before they ask. Understand the full implications of what you might be asking someone and then...probably don’t. And for the love of all that's good and holy don't follow up with..."wow, your hands are full." Okay, I'm really done now.
Ready for the question? “Do twins run in your family?” I mean, I could just respond with “Nope, sometimes they walk,” or another equally lame response. So why does it bother me so much? Because it seems innocent and harmless but it’s not. For more than 40% of people, the answer to that question is no, they don’t run in the family or maybe they do (like in my case) but that is likely not the reason I have twins. What you are essentially asking is, “Do you have fertility issues?” I don’t think that is the asker’s intention, but it’s the reality. Personally, I’ve answered the question differently, depending on the day. Sometimes I just say “yes”, which is technically true but it’s through my father’s side so I don’t think it technically counts; other times I’ll answer more truthfully, “Yes, but we had fertility treatments which is likely why we ended up with twins.” So that's it. That's the question I'm begging you to stop asking.
Actually, while I have your attention...asking a parent of multiples if it was “natural” is really not okay. And what does that even mean? I mean, I know what you think it means – but “natural” as opposed to “artificial” or “fake” …. just no. I guess someone could argue some fertility treatments can be referred to as "artificial insemination.” I get that – but again – why do you feel the need to know?! If they did get pregnant as you would say “naturally” do you also want to know what day, what position and if it was good? SERIOUSLY. That’s the level of personal information you may be unintentionally asking for when you ask these kinds of questions. No matter what “method” someone uses to get pregnant – it takes real sperm and real eggs – natural ingredients required for all pregnancies – and a real baby (or two or three) results. And they all lived happily ever with the exception of dodging inappropriate and personal questions. Okay, so apparently two questions I'm begging you to stop asking.
I’ll end with something I’ve written about before and will now and forever be my PSA to the world - think before you ask other seemingly innocent questions, like: “Are you planning to have kids?” … “Isn’t it about time for another one?” … “Do you plan on having any more?” That person with no kids, might not be able to get pregnant. The person with one or two might have tried for years for more and suffered losses along the way. You never know someone’s situation and even when asked with the best of intentions, these questions can make already painful situations worse.
Now, people are going to read this and feel the need to say, “I’m so sorry if I said that to you.” That’s not what this is about…because it’s me – I’m an open book. And before having fertility issues and twins I’m sure I asked some of these questions. I’m simply hoping to make people think before they ask. Understand the full implications of what you might be asking someone and then...probably don’t. And for the love of all that's good and holy don't follow up with..."wow, your hands are full." Okay, I'm really done now.
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