Infertility, Loss and Faith

Infertile Myrtle
If a year ago you would have asked me what infertility looks like, I would have said something like "someone who is unable to conceive naturally" and it would have included the assumption that this person did not have any children.

It turns out that this is not always the case and infertility can affect women (and men) with one or more children - as seems to be the case with us. We started trying for a second child in November of 2015. After almost a year of trying to conceive my OBGYN referred us to a fertility specialist. I'm going to be honest - as I anticipated the appointment I fully expected we would go and they would tell us to lose weight, stop doing this, start doing that, etc. But that wasn't the case. We left with an encyclopedia sized envelope of information, a prescription for an oral fertility medication, a lab slip for a procedure to make sure I didn't have any blockages in my fallopian tubes, a prescription for an injection shot should the procedure results come back okay and we start trying and instructions on when to call to schedule a midcycle ultrasound to check the size of my follicles.

My head was spinning. As I tried to process the information I looked at Chris in tears and said "Is this too much too fast?" And he said what I was thinking "We aren't getting any younger." And that was the nagging thought during the months we had been trying to conceive - I was almost 36...practically geriatric in fertility years. "Advanced maternal age" I believe they call it. Jerks. 

Anyway...they called to schedule my test and suggested December 6 - seemed like an appropriate way to celebrate my birthday. The test came back fine - no blockage. The next test would be the midcycle ultrasound to check the size of my follicles which indicates if my eggs are maturing and how many eggs might release. Oh - but let's talk about the ultrasound. So, the only ultrasound I had every had was when they were looking at my baby. A little gel on the tummy, some pressure on the outside of the belly and VOILA - baby on the screen. As soon as I walked into the room and saw this ultrasound contraption I knew it was going to be quite different. That's all I will say about that. Pic included. You're welcome (also I'm sorry). 

I wasn't quite ready to do IUI (Intrauterine Insemination) so we opted for the trigger shot (ensures

ovulation in 24-36 hours) and timed intercourse. When I didn't get pregnant in December or January we decided to do IUI - which would require us going to Grand Rapids for the actual procedure. We did IUI in February, March and May. Each time required a midcycle ultrasound in the Mason office and if the follicles weren't mature a return trip for another midcycle ultrasound - then a trigger injection and then a trip to Grand Rapids for IUI. And each time the appointments were first thing in the morning so my parents would keep Francesca and we would go down the night before.

If we were unsuccessful after three IUI attempts the next step would be another consult with the specialist. The appointment was scheduled for a few days before I could take a pregnancy test for the third IUI attempt but I wanted to know what our options were, in case it wasn't successful. I went solo to this appointment and it was just as, if not more, overwhelming than the first. I had already decided against in vitro fertilization. I know it can be wildly successful and if I was younger and didn't have any children, I would definitely consider it but since that isn't the case, it is not an option I want to pursue. So, she talked about the next step in fertility medications which would include weeks of injections, some restrictions, possible side effects and the chance of multiples was greatly increased. I mean if it was something we decided to do, we would need to get the signed paper notarized. That says something.

I went home and shared the information to Chris and he asked, "Do you think it's worth it?" And my answer was a quick "No. We have Francesca to think about." I went to bed that night with a heavy heart - wondering what would be next. Continue with IUI? Stop fertility treatments completely? I wasn't sure - but I decided that IUI was as far as I was willing to go.

The Miscarriage
The next morning was the day I could take a pregnancy test. And as an afterthought and really just to confirm I wasn't - I tested. I almost left for work without checking it - as I was headed out the door I thought "oh, I need to throw that test away" and went to the bathroom to retrieve it. It was positive. Over a year and a half of trying and three rounds of IUI and it was positive. I was pregnant. I was excited but more than anything I was shocked. 

The next week was a complete roller coaster. I had a blood test the day of the positive test to confirm the pregnancy. I had to get my levels rechecked two days later and they had decreased - which could mean either a miscarriage or that there were two babies but only one was thriving. I went back on Saturday to do a recheck and they didn't have my lab slip in the system. I was frustrated and stressed - since it was Memorial weekend. I went in on Sunday and my numbers increased. I only knew this because I received the lab results in my email -  the office wasn't open and I wouldn't have any answers until Tuesday. In the middle of the no-lab-slip-in-the-system-holiday-weekend mess I had a very insensitive on call nurse tell me "You can wait until Tuesday to get your labs - we're just making sure your numbers go down like they are supposed to." Uh....so I'm supposed to have a miscarriage? Thanks, lady. I was so upset - she had clearly not looked at my chart to see where I was in the process before calling and making such a flippant comment. Anyway - Tuesday morning I talked to a nurse and she had no answers and said we needed to keep following the numbers - back to the lab I went. A few hours later the results were in and they had dropped significantly - I would definitely miscarry, and on June 1, I did. 

The Journey Continues

While I was cautiously optimistic when I got pregnant, I recognized the risk of miscarriage. I even told one my friends something like "No matter what happens, I feel like this was God's way of telling me that we don't need to do any of the other crazy fertility treatments - IUI can work for us." But I struggle. I question God. I want to know now, what His plan is - and I know that's not how it works. I need to continue to pray and trust in His plan, in His timing, in His perfect will.

On a particularly hard day when I had just experienced a migraine (likely from the fertility meds) and I was questioning everything -  I broke down and cried. I just needed some direction from God. What was His will for our family? Was it to only have one child? If so I just needed to know and begged him to take away my desire for another child. I remember it well - I was driving and crying and praying out loud - literally crying out to God and I had a peace come over me and a reassurance that said "your family is not done yet". And despite everything - that's where I remain today. Until I feel like God is leading me differently, we will likely resume IUI in August or September.

Although, I have admittedly questioned that lately. The last month and a half has been oddly peaceful. I haven't had to worry about taking a medicine that makes me cry for no reason and very irritable, I haven't had to give myself an injection, I haven't had to worry about when we would need to go to Grand Rapids and taking time off work or having my parents watch FJ. I've just been able to live life and spend time with my family and focus on my kiddo. Which then makes me question if I should learn to be content with my family of three - especially since we are FINALLY out of diapers, sleeping through the night, etc.

But then I do the "5 year test" - in 5 years what would I regret more...and ultimately I know I'm not ready to give up yet. Having a sibling for Francesca is something I want very badly - and at this point I think its worth the extra stress, medicine, injections, trips to Grand Rapids and the sleepless nights, diapers and spit up that might result.

Why I'm Sharing
If you've made it this far you might be wondering why I'm sharing this. And I have several reasons. The biggest is because I need to do a post on my weight loss journey - and I want to be honest about when/why I got off track, and it was when I got pregnant and then had the miscarriage. I figured if I just mentioned it in the weight loss blog some of my family and friends who didn't know might have questions and this was a way for me to share my story.

I also think its a good reminder of "you never know what someone else is going through" and caution making comments based on assumptions. I was in the bathroom at work after I found out I would miscarry and actually had someone say to me (about the pregnant woman in the bathroom) "Wow, I'm so glad that's not me and I'm done with that phase of my life - aren't you Jodie?" I just smiled and said something about really enjoying being pregnant. Don't make assumptions. Not of people with five kids, one kid or zero kids. The person with one or two kids, might want more and be struggling to conceive. That person with zero kids - might have experienced a miscarriage or be struggling with infertility.

And finally, I'm sharing it because I love to write. It's cathartic for me. I considered writing it and not publishing it, but figured maybe my experience might help someone. Infertility is the single most lonely thing I have ever experienced. It's not something that people talk about - and so you don't know who to talk to or what to say. Regardless of how supportive everyone around you is (and I have a great support group of family and friends) they don't fully understand. And sometimes they can't win - they don't know what to ask or when - so then maybe they don't but you want them to. Or they do say something that you don't find particularly helpful, but they are trying. It's just really hard and something I wouldn't wish on anyone.

I don't really intend to keep blogging about this particular subject but we'll see how things go. If you've actually read this whole blog you deserve a bottle of wine and a cookie.

xoxo 

Walking Away from Obesity: Week 14

Fourteen weeks? It feels like I just posted a 4 week update. But here we are, 14 weeks into my weight loss journey and I am down 23.4 pounds. While I'm definitely proud of the progress, I find myself beating myself up about how much I could have lost by now "if I"....

.....if I was working out, I would have lost a lot more

.....if I hadn't splurged last Friday (and the Friday before and the Friday before that and the entire weekend before that - you get the picture) I would weigh even less

.....if I hadn't had that dessert, I would have lost more at my last weigh in

And on and on it goes. But then I stop myself and remember that negative self talk isn't helping. And I try to think of the more positive take on the "if I" statements.

....if I hadn't started this journey at all I would weigh the same, and probably more

....if I had deprived myself of that dessert (which did not cause a weight gain) I would have been depriving myself and would have ended up splurging on something worse.
....if I keep making healthy choices a majority of the time, Francesca will learn to make the same choices.
....if I hadn't started this journey (and shared it on my blog) I would not have inspired multiple people to join Weight Watchers and pursue a healthier lifestyle. 

It's all a matter of perspective. And instead of dwelling on what I could have done, I will celebrate what I have done. Not only have I lost more than 20 pounds, I have lost weight EVERY WEEK since I started, sometimes as little as .2 pounds but I have not gained or stayed the same. That is something to celebrate. 

I've also realized something. Okay, it is something I've probably always known but am realizing the importance of admitting it and recognizing the challenge it brings. I LOVE FOOD. And I'm not talking leafy greens and fruity types of food (although I do enjoy Twizzlers and they are fruity). It's not a healthy relationship and I still find myself using food as a reward. Today, after I lost 1.4 lbs - I decided it would be okay to get Chik Fil A for lunch. And of course it is okay, as long as I track it. But I'm starting to understand this will always be a battle. Not just until I lose 20 more pounds or until I get to my goal weight. This will be something I struggle with FOREVER. I will always want the unhealthy option. And I will have to continually remind myself of why I need to pick the healthier option, why I shouldn't go through the drive-thru, why I don't need the extra sugar, etc. I expect as I continue on this journey it might get a little easier but it will never NOT be a struggle for me and I need to be very honest about that. 

I'll end with a celebration pic - I didn't take any "before" photos which I'm regretting a little now, but I did snap a photo of this moment a couple weeks ago - when I fit into a sweater that had been hanging in my closet for 5+ years...I think I may have worn it once after I bought it but decided it wasn't very flattering and hadn't worn it since. I apparently liked it enough that it made at least one, if not two moves with me...and IT FITS. Francesca was very concerned about the absence of my head in this picture. :)

My goal by my next post (which hopefully won't be 10 weeks from now) is to be exercising on a regular basis. At the very least I need to start working out or walking on my lunch breaks. And I will continue to challenge myself to celebrate all the things I've achieved, not dwell on the "could have/should have" thoughts.

Walking Away from Obesity: 4 Week Update

Disclaimer: I haven't started "walking away from obesity" yet...it is just a catchy blog title for now. With the exception of Sunday when I took my kid to the mall and walked laps because I feared I might otherwise try to sell her. Anyway...

Portion control. I've learned a lot the last 4 weeks and have made many changes but the one thing I notice day after day  is the smaller portions. More than anything it has opened my eyes to how much I was overeating. 

As I was measuring out my ice cream and putting it in a much smaller than usual bowl, my eyes wandered to the "regular" sized bowl I would have been filling up before Weight Watchers.

 The first time I filled up that little bowl I had a giant sized pity party for myself. I recall thinking that small bowl was not going to satisfy me. WRONG. 

A couple nights later I was measuring out my wine and had to laugh

about the wine glass I have that fits an entire bottle of wine. I thought about putting my measured 6 oz of wine in that glass but decided it would probably be depressing. 

Measuring cups have become my best friend. I bought a set to keep at work. The first week or two I did often feel hungry throughout the day, but as time went on I'm learning what 0 or low point snacks will fill me up - like carrots (still don't like them but they're filling), beef jerky and rice cakes. Sometimes you just need something more than fruit. Although I'm eating a lot of apples and peanut butter!

I also have tried a few new recipes. Like this chicken, asparagus, sweet potato skillet, these pork chops and this pork. But I've also made same of my favorites like gnocchi and Mongolian beef - not necessarily low points but I just make sure to eat low point meals earlier in the day (yogurt without the usual granola and tuna fish are my go-to low point breakfast and lunch).

So, after four weeks on Weight Watchers I have lost 12 pounds. I have more energy and just generally feel better. I'm still eating all the things I love, just not as often and in smaller portions. One unexpected downside has been the mom guilt. I spend a lot more time cooking, meal prepping and tracking which means less time playing with Francesca in the already limited time I have with her after work/day care and before bed. But then I remind myself that the time I'm spending making healthier meals will ultimately benefit our family and hopefully allow me to not only spend more time with her, but more active time.

I don't see any physical changes yet but I did google "12 pounds of fat"...yikes. It's significant. I also think back to Francesca when she was born at 6 lbs. 11 oz. I've lost almost two of her. That's crazy. I'm hoping my next update will include an exercise breakthrough...but at the very least I'm going to try and make some small changes - walk more at work, walk my stairs at home or do some jumping jacks with FJ.    

Walking Away from Obesity: Take 2

Oh heeey! Remember my "Walking Away from Obesity" blog/journey I began in 2013?? Yeah - I had kind of forgotten about it too. It's not that I lost motivation three years ago when I stopped updating...I got pregnant soon after my last post. And then, to be honest...I continued to lose weight, which you might think is a bad thing during pregnancy. But the doctor wasn't worried because the baby's growth was on track. I chalk it up to my body being in shock, missing the calories from the wine I was no longer drinking. So, I cannot blame pregnancy for my weight gain. I only gained 9 pounds. I look back at pictures from the day we came home from the hospital and I wish I was that size.

So here I am - 2 1/2 years post-pregnancy and REstarting my "walking away from obesity" journey.

I started a work out regement in December of 2015 which continued until Feburary of 2016 - when Francesca started daycare.  Daycare meant I would need to pick her up by 6 p.m. on Monday/Tuesday/Friday. Gone was the luxury of asking the babysitter to stay later so I could exercise. Which was followed by a less active summer than usual.

As time went by, the pounds continued to add up and my eating habits worsened. I am certain I am addicted to sugar. I was hitting the vending machine at least every other day for something of a sugary/unhealthy variety. The reality of just how much weight I had gained set in a couple months ago when I took a Power Talk training. The facilitator recorded us with our phones so we could see how we look when we present. As if that isn't painful enough to watch - when I played back the video I said, "Wait, do I actually look like that??" It was so bizarrre and I knew I had gained weight but the fullness/puffiness of my face was heartbreaking. And it was something I never wanted to see again. But that was in October and I still didn't take action. (Screenshot of picture included for your reference and my reminder.)

Finally, two weeks ago I was sitting at my usual Friday work location (Biggby) eating and drinking who knows how many calories...and started researching how much Weight Watchers cost. I've done it several times in the past but usually just online and I knew I needed more. I need to be accountable. I needed meetings. I looked at the schedule and saw there was a 12-12:30 meeting not far from me every Friday. It was time. I signed up and went to my first meeting that afternoon. The leader quoted another leader and it has stuck with me over the last week and a half. "Losing weight is hard. Maintaining weight loss is hard. Being overweight is hard. Pick your hard." So...I pick losing weight as my hard.

Last Friday (1/13) I had my first weigh-in. I felt confident about my week but I hadn't worked out so I was nervous. I lost 5.4 pounds. Maybe Friday the 13th isn't so unlucky after all. Except it wasn't luck - it was hard work and determination. It was saying no to things I wanted and that I was used to eating (sugar), it was eating smaller portions and it was making better choices (regular coffee at Biggby, no more fancy lattes).

I do plan to join the fitness center at the local High School so I can use the track, fitness equipment and pool. It will still be challenging to find time to do it but I know it has to be a priority. Even a couple days a week is better than what I'm doing now (which is NOTHING). So I guess I'm not "walking away from obesity" quite yet...but I will be soon.

As a reminder of how this journey first started, I'm including my blog posts from 2013. These are important reminders for me because I still remember how I felt at that time - the sadness after my doctor's comments (oh - I have a new doctor now. Yay!), the frustration of not making progress and the accomplishment of losing my ass shelf and when I reached my first goal. They are all important reminders of why I'm doing this and that it's not always going to be successes. But that is what I need to focus on and just keep REstarting - as many times as it takes.

Looking Back...

I'm Fat...some might say "obese" 

Actually "quite obese" and someone did say that...my doctor. Ouch. The initial anger from the situation is wearing off. And really, should I have ever been mad?! I mean...she's right. I think my anger was more because the topic came up after she saw a note in my chart that we were thinking of starting a family. I felt like she was judging me for even thinking of having a baby at my "quite obese" weight. The conversation went like this:

Her: I see you're going to start trying for a family (pause) (accusatory look at me) and you're gaining weight.

Me: I know it is not ideal, I'm going to start weight watchers (for the 9 millionth time) and now that I feel like I'm 100% recovered from my neck surgery I'm planning to get a membership to the fitness room/pool at Williamston High School.

Her: Well Jodie, when women who are obese - especially quite obese, like you are - get pregnant, it can cause a whole host of problems, there is the chance of preeclasmpsia, gestational diabetes, (I think there was more but I had stopped listening).

Wow. Okay. Tell me how you really feel. What I wanted to say was, "So, should I wait 3-5 years, lose 50 pounds and hope my eggs don't dry up in the mean time?" But, instead I choked back my tears and left, feeling belittled and ashamed. And that's where the anger comes in. I get that as my doctor, she wants me to be healthy and she has every right to be concerned. I mean, in the 6+ years I have been seeing her I have gained 40ish pounds. (Wow, talk about embarrassing...that is hard to admit.) But, I also think there is a way to say it without being belittling and demeaning. The other thing that made me upset was I have already been to my obgyn, (who in this case I would consider the expert) and she did not voice any concern about my weight. Her concern was my low Vitamin D, which I am on an extremely high dose to hopefully correct. 

Anyone who has known me for a period of time, knows my weight has fluctuated over the years. I spent most of my adult life being "overweight". My Sophomore year of college (2000-2001) was probably my heaviest (quite possibly, until now) due to the Epilepsy medication I was on. That was quickly reversed my Junior year of college when they replaced the "fat" medication with the "skinny" medication and I dropped to a size 6....quite easily my thinnest since oh, 5th grade (I'm not kidding here peeps.) When I went off the "skinny" medication my Super Senior year of college some of the weight came back, but it wasn't extreme.

Following graduation I had my first brain surgery (2004) and was laid up for a couple months, which caused me to gain some weight (enough that the dress I had been fitted for before my surgery had to be let out and I went on the worst crash diet of my life to fit into it...I don't think I have consumed a carrot since.) Anyhoo...I lost some of that weight thanks to Weight Watchers and a Boot Camp class and was mostly happy with myself and my weight when I moved to Lansing in 2006. I continued to exercise and eat fairly well (as well as you can when you live in the basement of a lady named Bunny and cook at a makeshift "kitchen" consisting of a double burner, pan for washing dishes and mini fridge.) 

I would say I gradually began gaining weight in 2008. I had my second brain surgery in July of 2008, followed by continued debilitating neck/shoulder/arm pain (not associated with the brain surgery.) This was followed closely by the diagnosis of Undifferentiated Connective Tissue disease (UCTD), an autoimmune disease which causes severe pain in your joints (my ankles/feet and wrists are the most affected), as well as bouts of severe exhaustion. Well, none of that was good for an active lifestyle...and so I gained weight. A lot of weight.

My husband and I started dating (for the second and final time) in August of 2010 and I was at least 30 lbs lighter then. I would lament to my friends and family about my weight gain and everyone would say, "it's okay...you're happy." FOR EFF SAKE what a crock of shit. Why is that okay? Just because I'm happy does not mean I should let myself go and turn into the "quite obese" person I am today! "You're just comfortable" Uh, great...hope I'm super comfortable when I have a gd heart attack before I'm 40. Rant ended. (Well, sort of). So, here I am...32 years old, happily married and madly in love with my husband of 6 months who could care less about what I weigh, extremely excited about starting a family soon and...quite obese. 

Why am I writing all this, you ask? Well...I've been lacking motivation for a very long time, and it showed up today. I have no idea why or from where, but I'm ready. And this is my way of being accountable. To myself. To the people who read this. This is the first time I've really put down in words how I got where I am today. I feel sad. I feel embarrassed. But most of all, I feel motivated. And that is what is important. I still have not bought that membership to the high school that I have been talking about since we bought our house in November. First it was the neck surgery in December, and then it was the deer I hit on my way home from work 10 days ago, causing severe pain and possible ligament damage in my right ankle. But, there are no more excuses. My co-worker and I made plans to work out after work on Monday. It's GO TIME. As I was sitting at home today I had an urge to work out. I can't remember the last time I had felt that urge, and on a 30 degree day following a couple inch snowfall, no less. It was a welcomed feeling. So, I took a 20+ minute walk around our neighborhood and ended with some arm weights and crunches. It doesn't deserve an award, it probably doesn't even deserve mentioning...but it felt so good. My ankle, although still a little sore from the accident, and my joints, sore everyday thanks to my autoimmune disease, did great. And I'm ready to make some lifestyle changes.

On my short list: figure out my schedule for this coming week and then plan my workouts and meals, accordingly. I have a long road ahead of me. To be where I felt good about myself we're talking losing 40 lbs, to be where the charts, BMI and everything else says I'm "healthy" we're talking more than that. But I can do it. I have all the tools I need to succeed, and it starts today. 

I know myself - when I'm working out, I eat better - because I don't want to ruin all the hard work and time I've dedicated to working out. And when I'm working out and eating better - I not only lose weight, but I feel great (i'm pretty sure that's a slogan for something...). And it is not lost on me that if I would lose weight there is a chance that my daily joint pain would be less, but it is a vicious circle. I'm in too much pain to work out, but if I could work out and lose weight I would be in less pain. It's frustrating and sometimes gets the best of me. That needs to change, today.

 I know there will be days I will be unmotivated, I will fail, but I will do twice as good the next day. I deserve to be happy, I deserve to be healthy. For my own sake, as well as the sake of my husband and our future family. 

Sophomore year fat medication - 2001

Junior Year - Skinny Medication - 2002

Senior year skinny medication - 2003

The dress that had to be let out - 2005

The last time I remember being happy with my weight/how I looked - 2009

Quite Obese? Not For Long! Week One

My week summed up in one word: Success

Monday - Exercised at work. Walked 1 mile, crunches, leg lifts, arm weights
Tuesday - Bought my long talked about membership at the high school. Incredible work out facilities. Walked 1 mile, crunches, arm weights, leg lifts, swam a few laps

Wednesday - Walked 1 mile, crunches, arm weights, leg lifts

Thursday - None

Friday - Walked 1 mile, swam a few laps & self water exercise

Saturday - None

Sunday - Walked 30 minutes, crunches, arm weights, leg lifts 

I began tracking my Weight Watchers points on Monday and did very well all week. A couple days I exceeded my allotted "daily points" but did not exceed my weekly allotment and didn't have to exchange any of "exercise" points to make up for what I was eating. I felt very good about my choices and felt confident when I stepped on the scale Friday morning. About that...

I lost less than 1 pound. I was pretty disappointed but I reminded myself it is not about instant gratification, it is about living a healthy lifestyle and I did that. When I told my husband about my disappointing loss he said "but which way is it going?" Down. It was a good reminder. 

My ankle, which has been acting up since my car accident a few weeks ago, is fairly sore tonight. Thankfully it didn't interfere with my workouts this week. In other good news, I am able to do arm exercises I was not able to do before my neck surgery because they would inevitably cause a back spasm. It's so great to feel like I don't have as many limitations when I work out, now. I say "as many" because my joint pain varies, depending on the day...but even on my worst day I feel like I could at least walk a mile or get on an exercise bike, and that is encouraging.

This week will be a bit more of a challenge because I have a busy week which will keep me from working out a few days. But, I also know if I make good food choices and work out when I can, I should have another great week and maybe even lose 1 WHOLE POUND next week. :) 

I'm so blessed to have the support of my friends and family through this journey. I am overwhelmed by the outpouring of support I received after posting my blog last week. Thank you to those who checked in on me throughout the week...that is the accountability I was looking for when I posted the blog. 

I will leave you with two quotes. One that inspires me and one that is just damn funny.

"Never trade what you want the most for what you want at the moment" - unknown

"Aunt Jodie, if you're alive when I get married, I want you to help me get a photo booth" - Audrey Sophia, Age 6


Walking Away From Obesity
Get it?! I'm "walking" away...like I'm walking a lot, to lose weight...crickets...deserved. But really, months into making my first "I'M SO MOTIVATED LET ME TELL THE WORLD" rah rah post...I have no earth shattering weight loss to share (or even a non-earth shattering weight loss). But...I'm hoping I had a bit of a breakthrough last week. After months of frustrating, constant, debilitating pain (thanks to my connective tissue disease) I went to my rheumatologist a couple months ago - she offered to give me a shot and a prescription for prednisone. I declined and said I would try ibuprofen instead. Well, I didn't but within a month of my appointment I finally received pain relief. And the minute I felt relief, I started walking again, which inspired better eating habits (as it usually does for me) and I got serious about Weight Watchers.

Last week I had a follow-up with my rheumy. I thought about canceling due to my recent relief, but didn't. Despite the pain relief (not to be confused with "pain free" but definitely tolerable) she checked my joints and found them very full of fluid (per usual). Again she offered a steroid shot and a prednisone rx. And that's when I realized those are my options, from a medical perspective. Steroids - via needle or pill - to reduce my  inflammation and pain but wreak havoc on my body with all kinds of awful side effects. I can't do it. I won't. Not now, not when I have yet to exhaust all other options, options that I am responsible for. You got it, weight loss. So I have a choice. Weight loss or drugs. I'm choosing weight loss. Of course, it is easy for me to say today - when my pain is manageable and exercise is doable, even welcomed. I'm walking miles at a time and then doing free weights and other toning exercises. I need to remember when the day comes that the pain overtakes my ability to exercise like I have been, I have to remember that there are other options. I can ride my exercise bike, I can hit the pool across the street and above all - I can make healthy food choices. Nothing but lack of self control and laziness will get in the way of that.

So, I have exercised 7 out of the last 9 days. I started tracking my workouts 5 days ago and in those 5 days I covered 9.6 miles in 2 hours and 43 minutes and burned 1,658 calories. And in other good news, I lost my ass shelf. TMI? Oh well...it's exciting stuff. It was a problem, like "here, set your diet coke down" problem. No more! I have a couple more areas of concern (like the fupa and the thigh friction capable of starting a fire), but to see such an obvious change after a week was pretty encouraging. Deal with your own Diet Coke, suckers! No ass shelf here.

I'm pretty proud of my progress and I plan to keep it going. It's either this or the drugs. I don't want the drugs. My body doesn't want the drugs. So, I will keep on walking, even if just a 10 minute walk a day...it will add up, it will make a difference and it will help me walk away from obesity.

Because Being Obese Is Not Okay...
Alright. I'm slacking. It's been 8 weeks since my first post. I meant to update weekly. WHOOPS.

 I'd be lying if I said I have great news to share. It's been challenging, to say the least. After not losing a pound the first three weeks I started to get incredibly frustrated. On the fourth week I finally saw a loss, I was down 2.6 lbs. Thank God!

It was later that week that I was on the weight watchers site tracking my food and looking around when I clicked on my settings. FOR EFF SAKE...under the settings you can select whether your goal is to maintain or lose - which then impacts the number of points you are allowed. Mine was set to "maintain". YEAH - MAINTAIN, just what every "quite obese" person wants to do. EFFFFFFFF. No wonder I wasn't having a problem staying in my points and I was having a problem losing weight. Sooooo, switched that, kissed my 5 extra points goodbye and got busy with life.

I was gone for work for a couple days the next week so I didn't work out and didn't count points...and it was down hill after that. I honestly haven't even been on the scale in two weeks so I'm not sure where I am with my weight loss. My weight watchers page says I'm down 3.1 lbs but that was as of two weeks ago. I will be getting on the scale on Friday.

I'm back on track this week, tracking my food and working out. Unfortunately I seem to be experiencing a "flare" of my Undifferentiated Connective Tissue Disease. My ankles are throbbing and swollen 24/7, bringing me close to tears. I didn't even have pain like this during the winter, when it is usually the worst. I'm not really sure why it is happening now but I'm not letting it stop me. I find if I can push through the first 15-20 minutes of pain it gets a little better...until later. I walked for 25 minutes last night (and the best part?! Chris joined me for the first 15) and I took a brisk 45+ minute walk around MSU's campus today (thanks for the great work out, Jen!) Today was worse than yesterday, so I told Jen I couldn't go as fast as usual...but I powered through and am pretty proud of that 45+ minutes. I will be heading to bed momentarily with several ice packs, but it was worth it. And the pain may have slowed me down (literally) but it didn't stop me, which is what counts.

So, I'm a little embarrassed by this post. I wish I was telling you I am down 15 lbs (or even 5) but I can't. What I can say is I haven't given up hope. I still know I can do it, and I know I will, it is just going to take a little longer than I hoped. Story of my life...

Walking Away From Obesity: First Milestone!
Just over two months ago I started on my "Walking Away from Obesity" journey. When I weighed in on Friday I finally hit my first milestone - I lost 10 pounds! When I started this journey I set a few milestones and rewards. Ten pounds was new exercise clothes. So, this weekend...I went shopping!

As proud as I am about my weight loss I am having a hard time not being a little disappointed and thinking "it should be more." I had a few weeks during the last two months that I didn't exercise at all and didn't track one meal. I can't help but think of how much more I could have lost, had I not been a slacker those weeks. But instead of focusing on what I "could have" done, I will focus on what I did. In the last two months I have:

• Walked 53.9 miles
• Walked 16 hours and 12 minutes
• Burned 9,314 calories
• Completed 29 workouts
• Lost 10.4 pounds

And while there is a lot of weight to be lost and a lot more miles to be walked, that's a lot to be proud of.

Next milestone: 20 lbs 
Deadline: Christmas
Reward: New Jeans

And now for your viewing pleasure, in all the awkwardness that accompanies dressing room selfies...my new exercise gear. (no clue why they are sideways.)