It shows up out of nowhere
It is never welcomed or expected
It makes me feel sick to my stomach and my heart race
Sometimes it causes me to sob uncontrollably, other times I feel overcome with anger
It always gives me a sense of uneasiness and dread and leaves me feeling defeated and exhausted
Nope. It’s not an ex or an obnoxious family member or weird neighbor.
It’s anxiety.
I always know when it’s anxiety and not stress because my anxiety rarely has an identifiable cause. I can’t put my finger on the thing that triggers it and I never know what will make it go away or when.
My first anxiety attack had me pacing around my one bedroom apartment sure that the devil was present. I walked around praying and reading my Bible and even called a friend to pray me through it. It sounds insane. I felt insane. I felt so scared. As I type this I’m realizing I never told anyone about this - except the friend I called. I didn’t realize until years later that I was having an anxiety attack.
Looking back, many of my early anxiety episodes were coupled with health procedures and challenges. I saw a therapist and was on medication for several years around the time of my second brain surgery. After I healed from the surgery and life got back to normal, I went off the medication.
The next episode I can recall was a few years later. I called my mom to come pick me up because I couldn’t stop crying. I was scheduled to have my first rhizotomy on Monday and something about having the endings of the nerves in my neck burned was not sitting well with me. I also had my first experience with the consuming but unexplainable feeling of anger that weekend.
Once the major medical stuff resolved, so did my anxiety.
It was gone, until it wasn’t.
I’m not really sure when it started again but now it comes out of no where; I can rarely put my finger on what’s causing it and that makes it even more frustrating and paralyzing. It’s not something that happens daily or even weekly, but when it does happen, it’s awful. You probably don’t know this about me. I don’t really talk about it - but I decided it’s time. Because I know I’m not alone. And we need to talk about it.
Anxiety will tell you you are weak. It will say you are crazy. It will make you feel hopeless. But anxiety is a liar.
Once it starts I struggle to take deep breaths. I go from feeling angry to incredibly sad. I feel sick to my stomach but don’t actually get sick. I haven’t figured out how to successfully resolve it. Sometimes writing helps. Other times I’m better after a good cry. Sometimes distraction helps - throwing myself into work or another activity. And then like today - it helps to get some exercise and spend time in worship.
After checking the weather channel and seeing no predicted rain, despite the ominous sky - I headed out for a walk. As I walked and listened to a playlist of my favorite worship songs, I felt peace come over me. And despite the rain, I continued to walk...until I heard the thunder. I took cover on my porch and within a few minutes the storm had passed and I was able to resume my walk.
I realized how much my anxiety resembled the storm. It comes out of nowhere - I’m never really sure how long it will consume me, but I know eventually it will lift. I will be okay. And while I am sad, angry and uncomfortable when I’m in the middle of it - I know there is hope on the other side.
So, if you’re feeling like you’re in the middle of a storm right now - get on the porch and wait it out. You are not weak. You are not alone. It will clear. You will feel peace again. Until then, deep breaths and hugs.
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