The rainbow and the date
As most of you know I experienced a miscarriage June 1, 2017 (see previous blog) - what you might not know is the prevalence of rainbows during my pregnancy with the twins, and the peace a song provided me during times of fear and doubt, reminding me of God's promise and the reassurance that my family wasn't done yet.
We resumed fertility treatments in September. I went to Grand Rapids the night before and as I was driving there in a storm, I saw a rainbow. I immediately thought "maybe this is a sign of things to come, maybe this will be the month for our rainbow baby". Then while we were in Grand Rapids our neighbor sent this picture to Chris, of a rainbow over our house...with the rainbow ending in what was Francesca's room, and now the nursery.
My due date was also of significance. When I first found out I was pregnant and went online to calculate the due date - it came up with June 1, 2018. Sound familiar? Yup, June 1, 2017 was the day I miscarried. They were going to be our rainbow babies, in deed.
The song
After I found out I was going to miscarry, but before I did - I had a discussion with a co-worker about Christian music - he introduced me to the song "Oh My Soul" by Casting Crowns. During the miscarriage and then during my pregnancy with the twins I heard this song often. In one instance, I caught the end of it as I was getting in my car - the only part I heard were the words "You're not alone" - I burst into tears but felt such a sense of reassurance that the situation was in God's hands. I most often heard it during my pregnancy with the twins when the "what if" fears began creeping in. What if I miscarried, what if one was stillborn, what if something was wrong...It became my reminder of God's promise - that these were our rainbow babies, our promise of what was to come. Sometimes I wouldn't even notice I was overcome with all the fears until the song came on - it would quickly change my thinking and fill me with hope. My favorite line is "There's a place where fear has to face the God you know." Such a powerful reminder that no matter what we go through and how scared we are - God is bigger. He is bigger than every bad thing we experience and every fear we have. We just need to lay it down and surrender it to Him.
The day of my planned induction, we heard the song on the way to the hospital. So even though I was disappointed when we found out Annabelle was breech and I would have to come back the following day for a c-section, I had the song in the back of my head - the reminder that God was in control and this must be part of the plan.
And last weekend it really hit me. As I was addressing envelopes for our birth announcements I realized it had been 1 year ago that I found out my numbers had dropped and I would miscarry. A few days later, I did. And here I was, one year later - celebrating the birth of Amelia and Annabelle. I of course never wanted to experience a miscarriage and do wonder about the baby who could have been...and yet, I cannot be too sad - because I am so in love with my girls and know that God's plan is so much bigger and better than anything I could have ever imagined.
Tomorrow it will be 1 year since the miscarriage - but I will be celebrating three of the best weeks of my life. I know not all infertility stories end like ours. In fact, that is another part of Oh My Soul that I love - "I won't try to promise that some day it all works out...there will be beauty where beauty was ash and stone." I am so thankful for the beauty that has filled my life and definitely replaced the ash and stone.
As most of you know I experienced a miscarriage June 1, 2017 (see previous blog) - what you might not know is the prevalence of rainbows during my pregnancy with the twins, and the peace a song provided me during times of fear and doubt, reminding me of God's promise and the reassurance that my family wasn't done yet.
We resumed fertility treatments in September. I went to Grand Rapids the night before and as I was driving there in a storm, I saw a rainbow. I immediately thought "maybe this is a sign of things to come, maybe this will be the month for our rainbow baby". Then while we were in Grand Rapids our neighbor sent this picture to Chris, of a rainbow over our house...with the rainbow ending in what was Francesca's room, and now the nursery.My due date was also of significance. When I first found out I was pregnant and went online to calculate the due date - it came up with June 1, 2018. Sound familiar? Yup, June 1, 2017 was the day I miscarried. They were going to be our rainbow babies, in deed.
The song
After I found out I was going to miscarry, but before I did - I had a discussion with a co-worker about Christian music - he introduced me to the song "Oh My Soul" by Casting Crowns. During the miscarriage and then during my pregnancy with the twins I heard this song often. In one instance, I caught the end of it as I was getting in my car - the only part I heard were the words "You're not alone" - I burst into tears but felt such a sense of reassurance that the situation was in God's hands. I most often heard it during my pregnancy with the twins when the "what if" fears began creeping in. What if I miscarried, what if one was stillborn, what if something was wrong...It became my reminder of God's promise - that these were our rainbow babies, our promise of what was to come. Sometimes I wouldn't even notice I was overcome with all the fears until the song came on - it would quickly change my thinking and fill me with hope. My favorite line is "There's a place where fear has to face the God you know." Such a powerful reminder that no matter what we go through and how scared we are - God is bigger. He is bigger than every bad thing we experience and every fear we have. We just need to lay it down and surrender it to Him.
The day of my planned induction, we heard the song on the way to the hospital. So even though I was disappointed when we found out Annabelle was breech and I would have to come back the following day for a c-section, I had the song in the back of my head - the reminder that God was in control and this must be part of the plan.
And last weekend it really hit me. As I was addressing envelopes for our birth announcements I realized it had been 1 year ago that I found out my numbers had dropped and I would miscarry. A few days later, I did. And here I was, one year later - celebrating the birth of Amelia and Annabelle. I of course never wanted to experience a miscarriage and do wonder about the baby who could have been...and yet, I cannot be too sad - because I am so in love with my girls and know that God's plan is so much bigger and better than anything I could have ever imagined.
Tomorrow it will be 1 year since the miscarriage - but I will be celebrating three of the best weeks of my life. I know not all infertility stories end like ours. In fact, that is another part of Oh My Soul that I love - "I won't try to promise that some day it all works out...there will be beauty where beauty was ash and stone." I am so thankful for the beauty that has filled my life and definitely replaced the ash and stone.
